Devotional Relating (and the Obstacles to Devotion)
“Love” is a word that can mean many things, perhaps something different every time it is uttered.
Here is a meditation on human romantic Love.
While Love is manifest everywhere in the Universe, when expressed between humans romantically, the source of the feeling of Love can be located nowhere but within your human consciousness and body. So instead of looking for Love, best to embrace the truth that you are the source of Love. If there is a person in your life that unlocks a powerful feeling of Love, let that feeling break through your inner dams, and let it flow freely. If there are multiple persons that unlock this for you, blessed are you, and they.
“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” -Rumi
One of the aspects of Love I call into my life regularly is “Devotion.”
The word devotion is often associated with spiritual practice or worship of divinity. And so I invoke it here. What better way to express Love than as worship of the divine spark in another human? The Hindu god Hanuman gives us the framework of this devotional practice, speaking to the object of his devotion, Ram: "When I forget who I am I serve you. When I remember who I am, you and I are one."
The energy of devotion can be present in the smallest of acts: foot rubs, assisting with his taxes, writing her a song, driving an extra time to pick up the kids from practice, cooking breakfast every day, planning a special occasion.
If we are to take seriously the famous Rumi quote from above, working with obstacles is called for. (And so another deva becomes relevant: the elephant god Ganesh, sometimes known as the placer and remover of obstacles.)
When I articulated the idea of worshiping the person you love, did it stir some resistance or even revulsion inside you? I think this may be a common reaction. I’ve felt it inside myself. And thus discovering and clearing the internal obstacles to devotion is my chosen path to accessing and amplifying Love in my life.
Here is a powerful question to pose to yourself:
What is it that's stopping me from devoting freely to my love partner(s)?
Do you feel like you would need or want an equal amount of devotion on display from your partners first? Are you worried that if you devote freely, you won’t get own needs met? Do you think devotion is simply not worth the time? Are you holding low-grade resentments, frustrations, or upsets around your partner?
I have shades of all the above, plus big helpings of the following thoughts:
If I open the floodgates of devotion to my partner, there won’t be enough time and space for me to even take care of myself.
If I devote to my partner, I’m being used.
If I devote to my partner, I’ll be building up her entitlement and expectations, which will come back to haunt me later.
If I devote to more than one love partner, well, I will simply not have time to even maintain employment…
Once you’ve made mental note of all the obstacles to devotion, go ahead and sit with them.
In fact, all of these are simply blocks to expressing Love. Kinks in the hose.
One obstacle I’ve navigated with Katie is my fear that if I devote unconditionally to her, I will become a gopher (i.e., someone who “goes-for” things). Katie’s mother was married for a long time to a delightful man, let’s call him Bill. She would routinely send Bill on what I perceived as dumb little errands, and I’ve often said to Katie that if I feel like she is making a request that triggers my gopher feeling, I might just grin and let her know that I’m “feeling a bit like Bill.” That helps circumvent any resentment I might build up. Of course, it’s helpful that Katie cultivates self-awareness of when her psychology is driving her to ask people to do something, perhaps out of anxiety or even a subconscious desire to get affirmation that she is loved. If she isn’t being self-aware, and I’m feeling resentful, well… perhaps my most devotional move is to not do the thing in that moment. Not building up resentment is, for me, an important devotional move in protecting our relationship.
The interesting thing is that Bill never seemed victimized by being a gopher. It was his pleasure to serve Katie’s mom. And as a card-carrying hedonist (literally, the title on his business card), we all knew that if Bill didn’t want to do something, he wouldn’t do it.
Your devotion doesn’t have to take over everything else in your life. Only you will know if you are freely devotional with your Love, or if you are choking it off because of some mental constructs. But know that by choking off your expression of Love you will be choking off your life force unnecessarily.
And nevermind the beautiful, devotional energy you might just start receiving from your lover(s).
John Hoelle is Co-Founder of Conscious Family™ Law & Mediation.
