The Mission and Commitments of Your Relationship

What binds people together in a relationship?

Part of the answer is the “mission” of the partnership. Every relationship has a reason or purpose. In some cases, simply bringing children into the world was the primary mission. Once the children are here, we will see them in divorce mediation. Not every relationship is meant to “go the distance” until death parts the lovers. 

My marriage with Katie has a particular mission of creation and adventure: we are driven to create a stable and nourishing family home, while simultaneously bringing consciousness-raising music to the world and pushing the boundaries of our culture when it comes to relating. Taking our children around the world with us on tour, and welcoming other lovers into our sphere, is not part of the standard playbook. But our mission is unique to us!

For those of us in intimate relationships, it is valuable to identify and name the mission. One reason it’s important is that when we understand the mission, we can focus on it. Focusing predominantly on the mission helps define and gives identity to the relationship. Any entity is defined in relation to the world around it. Defining the relationship makes it more coherent and strengthens it. And we serve the mission in the process. In contrast, an intimate partnership that focuses only on itself will get lost in, and engulfed by, internal dynamics. As attributed to Antoine de Saint-Exupery: “Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.” 

“Commitment” is another factor that binds people together in a relationship. Not just in the classic sense of people being in a “committed” relationship, but in the sense of identifying clearly what each person is committing to, now and into a defined future.

Commitments can be internal (commitments to ourselves) or external (commitments to others). Often, our true commitments in this life are unspoken, and we are only dimly aware of them, if we are aware of them at all. For example, like many men in this culture, for many years I was committed to boyish adventures. This wasn’t explicitly stated anywhere on my resume, but it certainly drove a lot of my decisions and actions. Then, coming out of my first Saturn return around age 30, I became more committed to learning how to step into being a conscious man, and pursuing mature, adult adventures (like serving people and raising a family). These new commitments were foundational to entering into a relationship and marriage with Katie, and to some degree these were spoken clearly at our wedding ceremony.

Commitments exist on a spectrum. Some commitments are so important that they can be thought of as sacred vows. We will suffer and move mountains in devotion to these commitments. Other commitments are not so dear to our hearts (even though we may profess them to the world as important.) It can be useful to mark how committed you are to a particular relationship, on a scale of 1 to 10. My fundamental commitment to showing up for Katie and our kids is beyond a 10, while my commitment to many other people and things is less. I have other specific commitments around Katie, like my commitment to supporting her to heal from young traumas, and to find her truth, including her true bisexual expression.   

Becoming aware of, and clear about, your true commitments is a journey of self-discovery. 

Speaking your specific commitments to your intimate partners reveals your truth, helps them organize themselves around you, and may help you to honor your higher commitments in moments when your emotional or mind state would otherwise override. 

Renegotiating commitments, when they change, is ultimately far easier than sliding around without clarity, and making messes. 

John Hoelle is a Co-Founder of Conscious Family™ Law & Mediation