Metabolizing Jealousy

Currently, jealousy is a pernicious force in the world. Why? Because it is generally shoved under the rug. By this I mean that when the feeling rears its head, the person feeling the emotion immediately tries to do something, anything, to squelch the feeling. The impulse is to change something externally to address the fact that the feeling was triggered.

The feeling is trusted as revealing some truth that must be attended to, but the feeling itself is not attended to. We try to avoid the feeling at all costs, and are compelled into action. Sometimes (and maybe often, through history) the action is a violent action, and our culture perhaps even condones ugly behavior if ignited in the “heat of passion.”

Metabolizing jealousy means first turning the attention off another person, and back onto you. Jealousy is based on an underlying fear of loss. Metabolizing jealousy means first asking: Why are you feeling scared of loss right now? Are you truly at risk of losing something? Why do you think the risk is there? What exactly might you be losing? These questions can reveal something useful to work with inside yourself.

Metabolizing jealousy also means examining your impulses to act. Is the action you are considering taking, or the communication you are considering making, really going to secure you against the loss you are fearful of? Or is that action or communication actually only underscoring your vulnerability, while lamely trying to hide it? When examined, you will probably recognize that your impulse to act is almost certainly counterproductive to your true desire in the world: to be truly loved and truly secure.

We can’t enforce love and security through rules and drawing boundaries. We can’t enforce love and security as a legal right, even if monogamous culture developed marriage laws to try and do just that. Love is given freely. And security is something you generate within, and that you must have faith in. Like God, love, freedom, and many other concepts, “security” is elusive. You definitely can’t catch it on a hook and put it on a mantle. But it’s there if you call it into your life gracefully.