How to Apologize for Real: Tips for Apologies That Work

People going through divorce mediation with us often want to apologize for behaviors that may have contributed to the souring of the marriage. What they sometimes don’t realize is that how you apologize matters a great deal. An unskillful apology is at best unhelpful, and at worst, can cause additional, unintended harm to the recipient and to the relationship. On the other hand, a skillful apology has many powerful benefits. 

Here are the keys to an effective apology.

It should be unequivocal and sincere

The intention behind an apology sets the tone and creates the spirit from which the apology is delivered. If you are apologizing because you want to bypass conflict, get out of the dog house, or win brownie points, your apology is unlikely to be effective or well-received. 

An effective apology acknowledges that you are actually sorry for something you’ve done (or not done), and that you genuinely wish to set things right with the recipient. You express that acknowledgement by making your apology unequivocal: “I’m sorry that I [insert the behavior you are apologizing for].” Full stop. 

A much more common approach goes like this: “I’m sorry that I …. But here’s all my reasons (justifications) for why I behaved the way I did.” There may be opportunities (and good reasons) for you to offer explanations down the road. Explanations that are “but”-attached to your apology are misplaced, however. An effective apology should be but-free.

An example of an unequivocal and sincere apology would look like this: 

I’m sorry that I put work before family time and left you to manage the kids, family activities and household needs by yourself. 

An example of an apology that includes justification: 

I’m sorry that I put work before family, but you are just so good at it all, and I guess I didn’t know how to be part of the crew once I was so focused on my career. 

It should be fully owned

The biggest mistake you can make is to not fully own the behavior you are apologizing for. Remember, you are apologizing for your behavior. Apologies like “I’m sorry you took it that way” are the opposite of that. (Note that this apology is actually apologizing for the recipient’s behavior! Believe me when I tell you (from experience) that this is not likely to be well-received).

Before you offer an apology, take a moment to reflect on what specific behavior you are apologizing for, and commit to owning and making amends for that behavior.

Taking responsibility in an apology would look like this: 

I’m sorry I lost my temper in front of our friends. 

Subtly hiding blame or putting the onus on your partner looks like this: 

I’m sorry it was so upsetting to you when I yelled at our friends’ dinner.  

It should acknowledge impact and include an offer to make up for what you did

Good apologies include an acknowledgement of the impact your behavior may have had on the other person. For example, “I imagine [what I am apologizing for] may have had you feeling belittled, hurt, and less trustful of me.” 

I strongly recommend that you don’t assume the impact you are imagining is true for the recipient. Instead of assuming you have the truth, make clear (by using phrases such as “I imagine” or “I wonder if”) that you are offering your best theory of how your behavior may have impacted the other. Then ask if you are correct. Doing this shows respect for the other (by checking out your assumptions), demonstrates that you have put thought into how your actions may have impacted her or him, and signals empathy and compassion. 

A good apology also includes an offer to make up for what you did. It is best if you solicit what the recipient might want from you (“Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?”). If their request seems truly unreasonable, you can make a counteroffer and ask how that lands. Don’t make any offer you aren't willing to make good on, though. That will just put you deeper in the hole and further damage trust.

An apology that includes an acknowledgement and offer looks like this: 

I am sorry that I neglected our relationship and was unwilling to open up about difficult emotions.  I imagine that may have left you feeling shut out, ignored and dismissed. Is that true?

Is there anything I can do to help us to be in a better coparenting relationship going forward?

It should not cause harm to the recipient

In relatively rare instances, even a well-crafted apology can cause harm to the recipient. Sometimes people aren’t ready to receive an apology. Sometimes the pain of being in contact with a person who caused significant harm, or being asked to relive a major indiscretion, may outweigh the benefit of receiving an apology. “Do no harm” should be your credo here. Allowing time to pass before attempting to make amends (or just accepting that an apology won’t ever be welcome or helpful) is sometimes the best approach.

It should be made without expectations

Once again, intent is crucial. If you go into an apology expecting the recipient to take it any particular way, you are setting yourself up for disappointment and diluting the impact of the offering. You are also disrespecting the recipient’s autonomy. Remember: the recipient is under no obligation to forgive you because you have apologized. He or she may not forgive you. Your intention should not be to seek forgiveness. It should be to express your sincere remorse for what you did, and to see if there is a way to make things better. You are much more likely to be forgiven by surrendering your expectations of their response. 

It’s All About Keeping Your Side of the Street Clean

One of the biggest obstacles to offering the kind of apologies described here is some version of the following narrative: “Sure, I may have something to apologize for. But so does he! Why should I apologize when he owes me an apology? If I apologize and he doesn’t, won’t the takeaway be that I was the only one in the wrong?”

It’s an understandable narrative. Fortunately, it can be dispensed with. By embracing a commitment to keeping your side of the street clean.

You have no control or authority over other people’s street-fronts. You do, however, have control over your side of the street: and with that you have a responsibility to keep it clean.

That responsibility need extend no further than to yourself to make it compelling. The day you realize you can ground your true sense of well-being in maintaining the only things you have control over—what you do and say, how well you align your behavior with your values—is the day you start to experience the only true freedom that is available.

By offering clean apologies when appropriate, you take control of your own freedom and wellbeing—you keep your side of the street clean. Conversely, as long as you make your well-being dependent on how others maintain their street fronts, you remain disempowered and co-dependent. Keeping your side of the street clean is it’s own, complete reward.

The bonus news is, you are likely to find that when you offer a clean apology, it creates space for the recipient to lower her defenses; which makes it more likely that she will reciprocate by acknowledging her own contributions to a situation. In this way, sincere apologies often have a boomerang effect.

MORE REASONS Why Apologies Done Right are a Good Idea

Here are some final thoughts on why you might want to get good at making clean apologies:

• Owning your behavior will pay huge dividends to your self esteem. Being authentically accountable generates a sense of empowerment, sovereignty and agency that is unavailable when you are blaming others for how you behave and feel. Undertaken sincerely, this pivot can truly change your life.

• Becoming solidly accountable will improve your relationships across the board. Accountability invites trust and respect, the foundation of all good relationships (including the most important relationship of all: the one you have with yourself). Conversely, while occurring as a victim may allow you to manipulate others into taking responsibility for what is yours to own, others will eventually, inevitably, come to resent you for it.

• Offering real apologies strengthens your courage and resilience. Each time you face your fears (e.g., of your apology being rejected or used against you) and act in accordance with your values (keeping your side of the street clean), you become stronger and more courageous–qualities that will benefit you in pretty much every aspect of your life.

Practicing accountability helps you to develop “adult” values. Personal development author Mark Manson distinguishes “adult” from “adolescent” values. Adolescent values, he suggests, are transactional: I’ll do this to get that (often by subtly manipulating others). Adult values, on the other hand, are values you adhere to purely because they are the right thing to do. In fact, you are willing to follow them even if you suffer consequences for doing so. Adult values are the ones that will sustain you through hardship, give you self-confidence, and help make you the kind of person people know they can rely upon.

That’s something worth practicing toward. 

Peter Fabish is Co-Founder of Conscious Family™ Law & Mediation.