The Choice To Heal

When clients come to work with us, I often start off by sharing our Rules of Engagement. These are basic guidelines we ask clients to abide by throughout any mediation process. 

One aspect I have struggled explaining to clients is how to be accountable for themselves and not to slip into the role of the victim. Doing this is considered to be “Gold Star” level engagement here at Conscious Family.

At first glance, this appears to be counterintuitive. Especially in the context of divorce. Oftentimes couples come to the divorce process with a very clear idea of who’s fault this divorce is.

“He cheated. She lied. He doesn’t want this to work. She gave up.”

I do want to acknowledge there are moments in life when people are truly victimized. It’s important to not ignore that. However, I also believe there is a distinction to be made in being victimized, and in remaining the victim.

This distinction became clearer to me after I finished reading the book The Choice, by Dr. Edith Eger. I finally understood what our founders, Peter Fabish and John Hoelle, meant by being accountable for yourself and not becoming a victim.  One of the fundamental beliefs our firm holds is that divorce is an opportunity, ripe for empowerment and growth. Remaining a victim erodes the potential progress this process has to offer, so I think a deeper dive into what that means is warranted.

If you’re not familiar with the book, I’ll give you the basic snapshot without giving too much away in case you plan on reading it (highly recommended by the way).  The Choice is Dr. Edith Eger’s page-turning memoir about her imprisonment, liberation, and life after Auschwitz. She becomes a Doctor of Psychology at the age of 50 and eloquently intertwines her personal journey with stories of those she has supported in a therapeutic setting.

Now that I’ve provided you with the world’s shortest synopsis, let’s dive in.

THE BLAME GAME

Blame is the nail in the coffin that will keep you exactly where you don’t want to be.

As  explained in our Rules of Engagement, when we blame others for our life circumstances and our feelings, we disempower ourselves. I often felt if I moved out of my victimhood, the victimizer would get off the hook. If I release my grip on blaming them for how I feel and what they did to me, then that means I am giving up my ability to feel hurt, angry, devastated, or heartbroken. This is simply not true.

What I didn’t realize is that the more time I spent blaming someone else, the less time I gave to experiencing the feelings I needed to live a full and rich life: first, I needed to move through the feelings of sadness and grief that lay buried under the resentment I was generating with blame. Having moved through those, happiness and joy became  available to me anywhere I wanted to find it. I realized staying in blame was a way for me to avoid really confronting and working with my feelings. In the end, I discovered that moving through those feelings opened up a world of positive experiences.

Who does it serve to continue sifting through the rolodex of all the mistakes your partner has made, or you have made? Blame suffocates happiness, period.

Dr. Eger explains that you remain a victim as long as another person is responsible for your peace and your happiness. Read that sentence one more time…

Your well-being is built on a house of cards if you place it in someone else’s hands.

Moving away from victimhood, away from blame, does not mean you are saying “What has happened is okay.” It is saying “I build the foundation upon which my well-being resides and that foundation is a strong one.”

FEEL YOUR FEELINGS

What should then be clear is that moving out of victimhood is not synonymous with denial of pain and grief. Your feelings are there for a reason. They are there to help you heal, but you cannot heal if you do not feel them and move through them.

For example: It is okay to be angry. Anger is not a “bad” word, and it’s not a “bad” emotion. It is important to legitimize your feeling of anger and then move through it. The goal is to get to the other side of anger, not to set up camp there. 

Be cautious and take inventory of what you are feeling, make sure you are not finding identity in the feelings. If you’re going through the process of divorce, don’t make the mistake of turning around and marrying yourself to the bitterness, resentment, anger, or grief that you’ve experienced. As Dr. Eger would ask “Are you evolving from these feelings, or are you revolving?”

Divorce is not only confronting what has happened in your marriage, but also what has not happened: the future you envisioned. There is loss to be grieved here. The loss of the life you likely spent a lot of time imagining with this person.

If you allow yourself to get stuck in the feelings of loss, grief, or anger, it’s like asking someone else to pick up the tab for your divorce. If you don’t pick up the tab for it, who will? Your kids? Your friends? Your family?

HEALING

In one of Glennon Doyle’s recent episodes of the “We Can Do Hard Things” podcast, she shared a very profound statement which fully encompasses why healing is so important. She explained that in a forest, although the trees are separate from each other, the roots below are all intertwined. So, if one of the trees is unhealthy in the forest, that makes the tree next to it unhealthy because they’re all connected underneath.Your family and your friends are your forest. If you don’t put in the work necessary to heal, it is only a matter of time before another tree in your forest gets sick.

It takes hard work to get on the right path for healing because there is no one-size-fits-all process for it. What works for one person may not work for you, but if you don’t confront your feelings, and if you choose to remain a victim, you will have no control. Your feelings and your victimhood will control you. As author Brené Brown says “If you don’t own your story, your story will own you.”

You have the power to write your own narrative. You have the power to choose the identity you want to reinforce. So, what will be the narrative for you through your divorce? What will be your identity?

You have a choice, and as Dr. Eger would say “The more choices you have, the less you feel like a victim.” The reins of your peace and your happiness is always in your hands.

———  

Shaylah Simpson is part of our Client Services team and facilitates Conscious Family Intention Sessions. Learn more about Intention Sessions here.