Humility, Dignity and Their Shadows: Two Sides of the Same Coin

Many people I know are despairing of the current state of society and public dialogue. Peruse social media–or any media for that matter–and most of what you will find is what can best be described as people shouting at each other. Opinions are stated as absolute truth. Opposing viewpoints are “straw manned” to appear ludicrous, and the people holding them to appear stupid or evil, or more commonly, both.

To echo the viewpoints of one’s adopted tribe and to excoriate opposing viewpoints and the people holding them is considered virtue. To do otherwise is to risk being thrown in with the villains. Openly considering the possibility of there being a sliver of truth in opposing viewpoints is considered bad taste, and worse, grounds for being socially excluded (canceled).

In this environment, social progress has ground to a halt. In a socio-political system that relies upon dialogue and compromise to come to decisions and take collective action, a refusal to engage in meaningful dialogue is unworkable. Our society has become utterly incapable of taking meaningful action to address the many challenges we are facing.

Let’s not mince words here: the situation as it stands cannot be labeled as anything less than a complete betrayal of our heritage and our children, as we allow the world they are to inherit to descend into decay and chaos. And yet we seem powerless to alter our path.

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If I could wave a magic wand and cast a single spell to have the greatest impact on improving the situation we find ourselves in, it would be to instill in all of us a large dose of humility.

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What is humility anyway? And why would anyone want to develop it?

These are questions I only relatively recently began to get some traction into. And I’ve found the answers to be profound and life changing.

I used to assume I knew what humility was. That is, until I actually started thinking I needed some. At which time I realized I really didn’t have the first clue what it actually means to be humble.

Now humiliation, that was something I could validly claim to be familiar with. As well as its close companion, shame. As a survivor of childhood trauma, I was up close and personal with humiliation and shame.

Shame is an inevitable sequelae of trauma. And the effect of shame is to shut things down. Shame shuts down the ability to experience a full range of emotions. It shuts down authenticity. It shuts down creativity and expression.

And paradoxically, shame shuts down the ability to experience humility. The unraveling of this seeming contradiction is a route into a better understanding of real humility.

There is much confusion over the concept of humility in our culture, I think. Look at dictionary definitions of “humble”, and you will see that they include things like: having a feeling of insignificance, inferiority, subservience low in rank, importance, status, quality; lowly Doesn’t sound all that appealing, to be honest.

You will also find humility defined as the absence of what is considered its opposite qualities: “not proud or arrogant.”

OK. But what am I when those qualities (pride and arrogance) are absent in me? I could be low in pride and arrogance, but still be self-loathing and insecure. Is this humility? I believe this approach misses the boat of what humility is actually about, because it mistakes real humility for what I call “the shadow” of humility.

The Shadow

The title of this article suggests that humility has something to do with dignity. More on that in a minute. But first, let’s have a look at where many of us spend much of our time: in the shadow of humility and dignity.

What do I mean by “the shadow”? I mean ways of being that might resemble real humility or dignity–and are often mistaken for them–but are in fact poor facsimiles. For example, arrogance and stubbornness are shadow qualities of dignity. The shadows of humility include states like low self esteem, self-hatred and insecurity.

I am contending that when you are feeling insecure, when you are disliking yourself because you think you are worse than others, you are not experiencing the humility that I am suggesting is useful, healthy and mature. Instead, you are residing in the shadows of humility. Residing in the shadows is, while understandable and ubiquitous, not healthy, useful or mature. Likewise, when you are feeling superior to others, looking down on them, believing you have the whole truth about something, and stubbornly refusing to consider the possibility that others may have useful information or opinions to add to your understanding, you are not experiencing dignity: you are in the shadows of dignity.

The challenging fact is that if we are willing to take a close and honest look at how we are showing up, we may have to admit that we are often residing at least in part in these shadows in our day-to-day lives. Unwilling to consider the alternative point of view of your spouse or your friend? You are probably in the shadow of dignity. Making excuses for not confronting your boss about how she is crossing your boundaries at work? You may be in the shadow of humility.

Two Sides in Balance

So how can humility and dignity be experienced in ways that are useful, healthy and mature–what I am calling “actual” humility and dignity? When I first honestly started to confront what it meant to be humble–i.e. when I stopped assuming I knew what that meant and started asking myself whether I really understood or actually had experienced it–I realized I couldn’t give a clear answer. I had been forced to face some hard truths about how some of my behaviors and patterns were causing harm to myself and to others who cared for me. It was a challenging passage. I felt, at times, humiliated and defeated. These didn’t seem like healthy states. And yet, I kept coming across teachings that suggested humility was something useful and necessary for growth and for overcoming such challenging passages.

In the midst of this passage I was attending a workshop. One of the facilitators there suggested that humility and dignity are actually two inseparable sides of the same coin. You can’t experience humility, he contended, without standing in true dignity. Likewise, you can’t be authentically dignified without standing in genuine humility. The two states exist only in tension and support of one another. Without both being present, one is likely to slip into their shadows.

This felt like a revelation to me. I realized that I could identify if I was being humble (as opposed to, say, crestfallen) if I could identify that I was holding myself simultaneously with dignity. And likewise, I could know I was in real dignity (rather than, say, arrogance) if I could truthfully know that I was also channeling humility.

One facet of humility is to genuinely take on that other voices matter. Other points of view matter. To acknowledge that however much I may think I have the whole truth of any matter, there is likely something more for me to learn. It implies holding an openness to receiving new information, new perspectives. To understand that even if my perspective is valid, there are likely other perspectives that are also valid, even if they seem in some ways to conflict with my own.

Humility, at its heart, is an openness, even a curiosity, to find out more, before passing judgment and reacting.

One facet of dignity is to believe that my voice matters. If I refuse to speak merely out of fear of being judged or rejected, I may well ask myself if I need more dignity. If I allow others to take advantage of me, fail to maintain healthy boundaries, or excessively accommodate others, a dose of dignity may be warranted. Standing in dignity allows us to speak out when appropriate, to set a boundary, or to stand for a value.

When balanced, humility and dignity together create our best selves. Bringing humility allows me to sort out when I have something useful to offer in a situation. Bringing dignity allows me to trust my sense of value, and to know when to speak up. Humility allows me to receive honest feedback on what I’ve brought to the table, without someone’s disagreement making me feel ashamed or resentful. Rather, I can remain dignified, even in the face of criticism.

When I bring a balance of humility and dignity into situations, I bring power; I bring authority; I bring the grounded ability to be useful. I “speak quietly and carry a big stick.”

Just as humility and dignity are two sides of the same coin, the shadows of these qualities tend to co-exist. Dig beneath the surface, and you will likely find deep insecurities behind most arrogant behavior. Have a frank and private conversation with an obsequious person, and you will likely get a window into their strong judgments.

From a personal perspective, I, for a number of years, thought of myself as insecure. I envied people I thought were confident (and judged those I thought were arrogant). Later, as I began to mature enough to start looking at myself honestly, I realized that I was full of judgments: beliefs that I knew how things should be and how people should be, and covert opinions about my own superiority. Arrogance (shadow of dignity) rode alongside insecurity (shadow of humility), within me. Since then I’ve come to acknowledge what close companions the shadow feelings are. They are like the end points of a swinging pendulum: one cannot be reached without the momentum provided by the other.

I have come to believe that real humility comes from a willingness to know yourself and be yourself. In other words, it comes from dignity. Likewise, dignity stays out of arrogance by maintaining a commitment to being open to listening, to learning, to admitting that you don’t have all the answers. The people with real authority are the ones that are aware of and cultivate this balance.

Shame

Where does shame play into all of this? It pushes us into the shadows. Shame causes many people to occur as arrogant. It causes many others to hold themselves back, hide out, and be afraid to confront people or situations. Often it comes out at others as anger or aggression. It keeps us locked into old stories and prevents us from growing: from developing true humility and dignity.

An important thing to know about shame is that it is nearly always a lingering remnant from childhood trauma. And by this I mean both “big T” and “little t” trauma: everything from divorce, to physical abuse, to distant or controlling parents. All of these trials in ways large and small leave traces of shame in our systems as adults. I would posit it is nearly impossible to escape childhood and teenhood into adulthood without taking on some measure of internalized shame.

And the hard thing is, many of us have gotten so good at covering up our shame through these shadow defenses, that we might not even realize we are carrying it.

Impact on Relationships

How does this all play into relationships? These distinctions are absolutely crucial to relationships. Got a problem with how your spouse is behaving? Dignity brings you the willingness to have a difficult conversation about it. But if you approach that conversation with the idea that you’ve got your partner all figured out and they just need you to tell them how to fix themselves to be tolerable, well, good luck with that. You are unlikely to be met with anything but defensiveness, and likely will receive some accusations thrown right back at you. You almost certainly won’t get what you want from your partner: his understanding and a willingness to consider your concerns.

On the other hand, if you approach the conversation with humility, you will assume there are things about your partner that are playing into her behavior that you don’t yet know. You will therefore lead with curiosity: wanting to find out what is going on for her that has her engaging in this behavior.

More importantly, humility will lead you to start, before you even approach your partner, with curiosity about just what is going on inside you that has you so worked up that you want to demand a change from your partner. If you are having a strong emotional reaction to your partner’s behavior, chances are it is triggering some old story inside your psyche (of course this doesn’t apply to behavior that is clearly out of integrity, such as cheating, lying, or violence). Working through that story is your responsibility. It is not your partner’s. If you find such a story inside, you can spend some time feeling the feelings that are coming up for you, and giving care from the grounded adult part of you to the aggrieved part, which is most likely frozen in an earlier psychological age. Once you’ve given your inner-child some love and attention, you may find the emotional charge has greatly dissipated. From there, you can effectively ferret out if you have a reasonable request to make of your partner (humility reminds you that you may only make requests for behavior change from your partner–the fact that she’s in an intimate relationship with you doesn’t give you dominion over her behavior). And since you won’t be coming at her with a bunch of anger, judgment and resentment, the conversation is far more likely to go well, and get you what you want.

You Can Improve Your Life and Relationships!

Look for where you may be showing up in the shadows of humility and dignity. And if you’re really brave, look for where subterraneous shame may be driving those postures. Once you’ve outed yourself in this way, ask yourself: what would it cost you to start figuring out who you really are, and start showing up that way? With dignity. And what would it cost you to really take on that others have something to teach you? Having humility. If you’re like me, you will find these practices massively improve your relationships and your quality of life.

Good luck!