Heal As You Go
Most Divorces are Ugly and Painful. It Doesn’t Have to be That Way.
Follow These Three Healing Directives to Thrive and Grow While Moving through Divorce
Divorce takes everything you thought you were and burns it to the ground. What’s left standing might be the most faithful part of you all along.
-paraphrased from Stephen Jenkinson
Introduction: Divorce without Scar Tissue
Divorce has become a rite of passage for so many of us in the modern world. While any such rite presents challenges, successful passage means that personal growth and transformation must outweigh any trauma that has occurred.
As a Boulder divorce mediation attorney functioning primarily as a neutral mediator for couples, I’ve observed the myriad reasons spouses find themselves facing a legal transition, and, more importantly, I’ve witnessed how some of them manage to minimize the trauma of it. I’ve also had experience with the trauma personally, through the divorce of my first wife. My extraordinary second marriage is evidence that I am among those for whom divorce is ultimately a positive transformational event.
I’ve also seen the ongoing carnage when couples continue to fight over custody or money issues, even long after the divorce. Picture this: A marriage wrought with longing, desire for connection, stress of parenting young children, and finally, betrayal. If they couldn't communicate in the marriage, it was made all the worse by their mud-slinging divorce. They left each other hurt, depleted, and scarred. Now, years after their divorce, their scars have led to more wounds as they incessantly fight over custody and money. Their scarring is crippling, and their lives have been forfeited to an ugly uncoupling. Further, the children suffer carrying the burden of their parent’s toxic divorce.
In my experience, positive transformation stemming from divorce is most possible when any trauma is minimized and contained. If wounds are treated right away, you can avoid scarring. When you Heal As You Go you are able to stay grounded in a future-oriented desire to produce a healthy long-term outcome for yourselves, and your children do remarkably better.
Consider a trauma to your skin. Scarring is a natural part of the healing process. But scar tissue is inferior compared to healthy tissue, and it can interfere with body mechanics or physiology. The same can be said of emotional scar tissue. Even though my own divorce was technically “non-contentious” (meaning we settled, and didn’t fight in court), I was still left with emotional scars that I didn’t totally understand. I waited ten years before I reached out to my ex-wife for healing and the dissolving of scar tissue. If we had dealt with the wounding as it happened, we both could have healed and transitioned much more seamlessly.
As a contrast, my own father’s divorce was so bitter it left him with massive scars which were never healed. In fact, I believe his romantic passion was choked off permanently to a large degree by that trauma.
With the right approach, process, and attitude, avoiding long-term scar tissue from divorce is possible.
This article lays out three primary directives to help couples architect a transition that allows for a natural healing to occur, right now, in the present.
The decision to divorce is not an easy one to make, but sometimes it is exactly what needs to happen. Why not work together to heal your hearts as you leave the formal marriage contract? There’s no reason to suffer with emotional and psychic scar tissue just because a relationship is ending before death parts you.
So if you are facing possible divorce from your spouse, read this article together, or read it one after the other. Commit together to follow the directives, as it will serve you both in the long run. Or at least begin by having a conversation together about the directives, which are pretty simple. There’s even a capsule overview at the end for your reference.
Please note that in a minority of cases, there is true mental illness disabling one or both spouses from positive transformation. This minority keeps our judges very busy, with ongoing conflicts and large case files. This article unfortunately cannot serve people in this category.
But if you are among the vast majority of people who simply need a little guidance from someone who has over twenty years of personal experience in the trenches of marriage, divorce, re-marriage, and fatherhood, and professionally sees people thriving or struggling through this rite of passage every day, please read on. I hope the suggestions here help keep you and your spouse emotionally healthy during and after this time of intense transition.
First Healing Directive: Keep it Clean
Just as many people take for granted that their marriage will stay strong regardless of how much attention they pay to their love bond, many tend to approach divorce without any thought of how they should go about it, or why that matters. It does matter. Because while you may be ending a physical relationship, the emotional relationship will continue to exist in your mental life. And if you have children, you are not really ending a relationship anyway. Rather, you are transitioning into a relationship as “co-parents.”
No matter what kind of relationship you have, the best way to transition out of it is to do it cleanly. The first directive is: Keep It Clean.
Keeping it clean has three aspects: Avoid Spilling Spite, Don’t Hide Things, and Make a Clean Break
Don’t Spew Spite
The first aspect of Keeping it Clean is to refrain from being spiteful.
Many people sit in my office feeling angry, hurt, and betrayed by the person who was once their closest companion. It can be natural to feel defensive, and sometimes you may lash out at your spouse during the divorce process. But consider this: whenever vengeance or spite becomes the driving force in your divorce, you will be harming yourself — delivering almost certain wounding to your own heart and psyche.
Healing from this kind of damage usually takes a long time. And if you have kids, the wounds can stay fresh for decades, or worsen unimaginably. The scars may never disappear and your own wounds can lead to unintentional scarring of your kids.
Taking a spiteful approach to divorce is like violently tearing your hair out because it’s tangled in a comb. Most people would never dream of self-harming in this way, leaving scars where their beautiful hair used to be. But people unknowingly do violence to their psyche and emotional body during divorce when they spill spite.
Disentangling lives is not so unlike disentangling hair. It is crucial to mindfully and carefully disentangle your life.
Not spewing spite requires staying calm and grounded, and feeling safe enough to slow down instead of lashing out. Is this even possible during divorce? It is, but often people don’t seek the help they need to stay calm and grounded, and to feel safe.
People certainly don’t feel grounded and safe working through court forms at the kitchen table with the other half of their collapsing partnership.
And they don’t feel calm and safe working primarily through a lawyer, because too often:
Lawyers are not trained to be a calming presence, or to create a safe-feeling space;
Lawyers don’t speak in plain English, and almost never in a language that includes the emotional content of the process;
Lawyers only hear one person’s story, and because they never get a balanced overview of the situation, often advise pursuing a strategy that overshoots a feasible, likely, or positive outcome, for one person or for the family as whole; and
The cost of two lawyers may be just as damaging as the breakup itself, and, sadly, the financial incentives are lined up such that lawyers are quick to start a worse war than ever dreamed of (the longer the war, the more the lawyers’ profit).
Staying calm and grounded requires the support of a gifted attorney-mediator who can help you and your spouse navigate the intensity of both the emotional and legal terrain of divorce.
Conscious, collaborative mediators are trained to help people feel calm and safe through the terrifying process of divorce, which minimizes any wounding. Because mediators are neutral to the outcome and to the two parties, each spouse can trust that he or she will not be misled. Important pieces will not be left to fall through the cracks. You will not have to face your spouse alone. You will not be expected to bottle up or stuff your emotions. You will not leave the marriage with un-healable war wounds. You will not be expected to become proficient in legalese. Neither of you will lose your life savings. The process will only take as long as it needs.
Collaborative divorce mediation in Denver is a fast-growing field. Attorney Susan Hansen, co-founder of a Milwaukee firm dedicated to providing lawyer mediation services to self-represented couples throughout the divorce process, saw her practice shift in just one recent year from 80% individual client representation and 20% mediation, to 80% mediation and only 20% representation of individuals as a lawyer (i).
Despite this surge in popularity, many people are still not aware that an attorney-mediated, conscious divorce process is possible. It is even possible when there is so much hurt and anger that it seems spouses are out for blood, which is usually not the truth of the matter, but a fear response. It is possible for most couples, (except in the rare situations where severe mental illness prevails). The clear benefits are often enough to incentivize both parties to commit to this efficient and straightforward process — a process that helps both spouses keep from spilling spite everywhere.
2. Don’t Hide Things
The second aspect of Keeping it Clean is not hiding anything.
Don’t misrepresent the truth. Don’t manipulate information. Fear and anger (as well as a cultural myth) may have you feeling like you have to hide things to look out for and protect yourself. When in fact, hiding or distorting the truth will only come back to haunt you. Your spouse won’t feel safe to work collaboratively with you. What to do instead?
Be honest, open, and transparent. Especially regarding financial matters. When the truth is spoken, trust is preserved.
When your soon-to-be-ex-spouse trusts you, this actually helps you get what you want. I know it sounds challenging, especially if deceit led you to the decision to divorce. But try to relax and trust that even though your spouse is becoming your ex-spouse, he or she is not going to ruin your life, especially if you keep things clean.
Lastly, it’s important to keep in mind that if you try to hide assets, in many states the whole case can be re-opened later if it comes to light. Who wants to finalize a legal matter only to carry the shadow that you might have to go back and start over from scratch?
3. Make a Clean Break
About nine months after I separated from my first wife, I was fortunate to have started working with a coach who helped me understand that I needed to end the relationship. My soon to be ex-wife was coming into town for a visit and planned to stay over at my apartment. By this time, I had already begun dating a new partner. My coach pushed me to call off the visit: “You need to make a clean break. You’re building a relationship with Katie, you’re not building anything with Jessica.”
Abruptly cancelling the visit was a difficult move, and my ex was angry and hurt. I had to accept that she saw me as a jerk. I had to let go of the fantasy that we could remain emotionally close, like family. I didn’t want to abandon the shared history between us. However, with the insight and guidance from my coach, I was able to see that this decision to call off the visit would prevent us both from continuing to wrap unnecessary emotional tendrils around each other.
It can be difficult to transition to a new way of interacting with each other. Habitual patterns such as using pet names or using heart emojis in text messages can be difficult to shift. Counselors will tell you that couples who don’t make a clean break often continue to shred each other’s hearts, over and over. This only continues the opportunity to build more emotional scar tissues. It serves neither of you.
For me, making a clean break with my first wife meant ceasing all communication for a time. That was relatively simple since we had no children or much joint property. Couples who jointly own property can sometimes feel challenged to split cleanly. I frequently deal with couples who feel forced to retain joint ownership of a house, for economic reasons. While sometimes ex-spouses can be excellent business partners, it is unwise to continue a joint venture or joint ownership of anything.
For those who have children together, stopping communication (except in the most extreme cases) is not advisable. A “clean break” is still possible between parents, and is brought about by creating strict boundaries around communication.
Here are some examples of Clean Break boundaries:
- Exchanges of children are short and to the point;
-Communication is limited to issues related to the children only, preferably by email or a co-parenting app;
-Never using children to pass communication to the other parent;
-Give the other parent the benefit of the doubt and ask for clarification when a child has said, “Mom/Dad said I could do (insert something that seems unreasonable)”
-No texting or calling except in an emergency;
-Not entering each other’s residence without permission;
-Neither parent seeks to get his or her emotional needs met by the other parent;
-Formation of a clear and precise legal Parenting Plan (custody plan) defining the rights and obligations of each parent, and how decisions are made and disputes resolved.
Sometimes one spouse will have an unconscious urge to keep negotiating the terms of the divorce, because he or she really doesn’t want the marriage to end. If this is you or your spouse, gently emphasize to yourself or to him/her that sabotaging the finalization of the relationship isn’t going to help anything. The terms don’t have to be perfect. Letting go is the goal here. Don’t hold on to the marriage. Finally, get support for yourself to process your feelings with a counselor or coach.
Paradoxically, making a clean break now is the best route to potentially forming a healthy and functional new relationship between you and your ex-spouse. For example, if you are parents, you can hold an intention to create a new relationship as a co-parenting team, but you aren’t building a life together. Start letting the other person stand on their own two feet. You can’t fix her or him. No longer is it your job to be looking out for his or her best interests. Let him or her find new love. You can hold the vision of a friendly, warm, family-like bond between you and your ex-spouse, which might occur down the line, but don’t try to force it into being. Don't let a fantasy create a murky, festering emotional swamp in the present.
Keep things clean.
Second Healing Directive: Stay Present
Spiritual teachers around the world have written about being “present.” The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle, is a widely popular and influential book devoted to this concept.
When I say stay present, what I am suggesting to people navigating divorce is to maintain a focus on what is happening now, which is how to best meet whatever is happening. Divorce is actually a unique and useful opportunity to engage in the practice of presence, in ways that can benefit you for the rest of your life.
1. Be With Where You Are Now
I want to acknowledge that being present can seem like a scary thing when you are navigating divorce. I get it, I’ve been there. The present moment is filled with uncertainty, and usually a lot of big, mostly challenging feelings. You are likely experiencing varying levels of fear, grief, anger, hurt, resentment, blame, shame, elation, wonder, jealousy, anxiety, and other emotions. These feelings are often intense in the beginning, and can swirl around together, like a tornado. Both spouses are likely in the same place, although each may have different emotions surfacing at different times, and may hide these from each other.
You are probably also swirling in a mix of internal narratives, which drive the emotions. Perhaps your story is that you are being forced into a divorce you don’t want or didn’t expect. Or you may be the reluctant actor, pushing the divorce while still wishing your spouse had tried harder to make the marriage work. These narratives can be needlessly limiting, and the associated feelings can be harmful if stoked indefinitely. However, attempting to bypass painful and difficult stories or feelings without first facing them with openness and respect can keep them stuck in place. Or worse, these narratives and feelings can get trapped underground in your subconscious mind, where they will inevitably surface later and sabotage current or future relationships.
Some teachings can be interpreted to encourage people to simply “let go” of challenging feelings and narratives. But in some cases people cannot authentically simply drop such contexts or stories without going through them. “Going through” starts with accepting and even welcoming what is present for you now. If you are feeling resentment and blame, notice this. Make space for it. Find a trusted friend or professional, such as a therapist, who will listen to your story with openness and compassion. Then take time to notice how these stories and feelings feel in your body and your mind. Sit with them. They are what is for you--they deserve your attention and respect.
The truth is that staying present during divorce requires courage. Welcoming painful feelings is difficult, and even can seem counterintuitive. But it is a necessary first step to transformation. The good news is that when you allow yourself to feel, and breathe through challenging emotions, they pass through quickly. These feelings have wisdom when you don’t try to suppress them or let them overtake you, but rather acknowledge them as important and valid. During the process of mediation, I encourage people to be self-aware and to verbally acknowledge when tough emotions surface. Sometimes only a short break is necessary before we can come back to the business of disentangling lives.
As time goes on, even the toughest feelings become less intense, and there is more space between the rush of emotion. Trust that healing will come. Don’t fear the feelings. They are your companions in the present moment. Invite them in and see what wisdom they have to offer you. They are helping you navigate the most challenging time in your life. Thank them for their wisdom, and keep heading onward.
2. Take Responsibility for Your Experience
One of the most painful places to be is a powerless victim of someone else’s behavior. After spending as much time as you need in simply being with what is present for you, you can begin giving yourself the gift of taking back your sovereignty by acknowledging your ability to “own” your experience.
This part of the practice usually begins by acknowledging that you and your spouse both were directly involved in getting to where you are now. While it may be that one spouse bears more responsibility than the other for precipitating a divorce, there is always some shared responsibility. If nothing else, you can acknowledge that you chose the partner you are divorcing--something in you drew you to this person. Perhaps a part of you unconsciously believed you didn’t deserve a partner who would respect and honor your needs, or be honest with you. There is always some way you can acknowledge how you participated.
Owning where you could have done things differently is not something you do primarily for your spouse, but for yourself. Because, as just mentioned, being in the place where you are simply a victim of another is a painful and powerless place to be.
Someday, you will probably want to be in a new and hopefully healthier relationship. The only power you have to achieve this, is through working with yourself.
3. Let Go of the Relationship
Psychiatrist, author, and inspirational speaker Gerald Jampolsky said it nicely: “Forgiveness is giving up all hope for a better past.”
When you are ready, you can begin letting go of the disappointments and hurts of the relationship. Of the hopes and dreams of the relationship. Of the blame and shame directed at either of you from the other. This is one of the greatest gifts you can give to yourself, when you are ready to do so.
Fighting about the past, being stuck living in the past, will not prepare the soil for new life. If you can be present to the fact that the relationship (at least as it has existed) has come to an end, this will help you heal and prepare for your future. It will help you find inner completion, and get to the outer completion of working out the logistics of the divorce. It will help you step into new relationships, with your ex-spouse (as a friend and/or co-parent) and with any new intimate partners.
Two common barriers preventing people in the middle of divorce from fully letting go and staying present are the curses of old memories and old dynamics. These curses interfere with business in the present.
When under the Curse of Old Memories, couples keep re-living painful experiences by dwelling on past memories. As philosopher Bernardo Kastrup elucidates, memories are merely fantasies in your mind. They have no reality, other than perhaps the residue of past experiences stored in your body tissue. (On that note, get some bodywork during and after your divorce. Work out some of that residue to promote healing.) In the meantime, focus your attention on the present. To complete a divorce, there are myriad legal, financial, and practical issues to address. Make decisions and take actions based on present circumstances, not from a consciousness clouded by memories.
When under the Curse of Old Dynamics, divorcing couples I work with communicate and interact throughout the divorce process in the same dysfunctional manner as they did during their marriage. They interrupt each other. They fail to listen. They quietly make assumptions without ever checking to see if their interpretations are accurate.
None of this is surprising. This very dysfunction is the reason the divorce is occurring.
Just as commonly, I work with couples where one spouse is trying to stay present, but the other keeps threatening to walk out of mediation because of something the first spouse is implying (with words or body language). Usually, the threatened walk-out is not a reaction to what is actually being said or implied in the present moment, but is rather an emotional reaction to historic behavior or statements. Assumptions are being made about the first spouse’s true intentions based on statements he or she made in the past.
These kinds of dynamics call for a skilled divorce mediator to keep everyone on track and wade through sloppy communications. However, the mediator wouldn’t have to be there for every discussion about how to proceed with the divorce if a couple can move past trying to jab at each other in retaliation for past behavior.
It is best to stop blindly assuming that past hurtful conduct is still being threatened. If each person has committed to staying present, a simple, blame-free reminder of this commitment can help spouses drop whatever old dynamic is blocking progress.
4. Touch In to Your Future
When I work with divorcing couples, I start each session with a short guided meditation. I invite them to take deep, centering breaths to help them release any outside stresses in their lives, so that they can focus on what’s really important to them. Then I invite them to each visualize a happy future moment, and I suggest that accessing the wisdom and perspective of their future selves can provide a useful perspective, free from emotional turmoil, helping guide them in making decisions and taking actions in the present that will propel them toward the happy future in their vision.
Many couples end up sharing their visions of the future, with me or each other. But it can be just as powerful to keep this vision private, helping to access deep, inner knowing about what to do in the present moment.
Knowing you have happiness in your future helps you stay centered in the present, and can give you the courage to take the necessary steps.
Keeping the vision of your future in mind also prevents you from wallowing in a victim story. It is easy for both spouses to feel victimized in myriad ways by the other spouse, or by the marriage, or even by the law. Sometimes we truly are victimized in this lifetime. But often, as discussed above, we are merely telling ourselves a story.
Ultimately, identifying as Victim is extremely disempowering. In divorce, as in life, avoiding the “drama triangle” (i.e., inhabiting either Victim, Perpetrator, or Hero), is a liberating move. Your spouse, in most cases, is probably not simply a Perpetrator. You are not simply a Victim. And you probably don’t need a Hero lawyer to save you. The antidote to inhabiting the role of Victim is to take accountability for your circumstances, and to create the necessary boundaries that are needed in the present. Focusing on your happy future helps you remember that you are not, in the long run, just a victim. It’s really hard to feel victimized when visualizing your own future happiness.
So take two minutes each time you are preparing to negotiate the settlement, or work on the divorce logistics, to do the exercise of touching into your future. Invite your spouse to do it as well, and feel the power as this grounds both of you into a place of clarity and peace.
When navigating divorce, you leave the ground of your former life, and you tread water, working to stay afloat in the ominous channel between the old terrain and the stable ground still in your future. You will reach that stable ground. But you can’t see it yet, and you don’t know what it looks or feels like. I wish for you that the practices and perspectives offered here help you find peace while treading water in the present moment.
Third Healing Directive: Give.
And now for perhaps the most important directive. A friend of mine has it boiled down on a t-shirt: Giving is the New Getting.
Divorce has a spiritual dimension. It provides a unique opportunity for a person to directly confront the pain of love lost, and to respond with... love. What it looks like to love your soon-to-be-ex-spouse is going to depend on your situation. But the mantra I recommend to essentially everyone is: Give.
By “Give” I don’t mean the kind of giving that is depleting, sacrificial, or without regard to your own boundaries. I mean the kind of giving that is nourishing and empowering.
If the idea of giving something feels depleting or sacrificial, don’t give that. Instead: Look closely for the context in which giving to your ex-partner feels like the right thing to do. Then give a lot in that context.
In many divorce cases, I’m trying to help both spouses to figure out what is The Big Move. What I mean is that usually there is a “move” that one person can make that will get the other to lower the defenses, bring forward trust, and prepare the groundwork to resolve even the most tense disagreements.The two best examples of The Big Move from my perspective are parenting rights, and money.
Most of the time, the primary care-giver can feel constricted around the idea of giving up anything to do with their kids, and the primary income earner can feel constricted around the idea of ongoing payments of money to their ex-spouses. Of course, either spouse may come up against these feelings, depending on the circumstances of the relationship. But here, for convenience only, I’m going to address primary care-giving parent and primary income earner.
The Parenting Gift
For many primary care-givers, it is almost inconceivable that suddenly they should only see their children 50% of the time. Even a parent who is proceeding amicably with his or her ex-partner through divorce often has difficulty extending an offer of equal parenting time and joint decision-making concerning the kids. How is your ex-partner, who up until now seemed mostly focused on career advancement, going to instantaneously become competent at feeding and caring for your babies on their own, for even one overnight? In the harder cases, it seems like your ex-partner is more interested in getting back at you, or pursuing their next relationship, than on developing the child-rearing skills needed. It may seem that they are seeking equal parenting rights just to hurt you. But stay present and think of your children. Your child has a right to develop meaningful connected relationships with both parents.
When it comes time for divorce, The primary care-giver can give a powerful gift to the other parent: an opportunity to step up. The other powerful gift is that your children will have a relationship with their other parent.
But first, a brief overview of custody is in order.
A Primer on Parenting Rights / Custody In Boulder
“Custody” is generally an informal term used to refer to the parenting rights and obligations between parents that must be formalized by a court order incident to a divorce or legal separation. Typically, each parent is allocated (1) a certain amount of time during which a child is in his or her care on a regular (or irregular) basis, and (2) certain authority to make major decisions on behalf of a child.
Generally, parents share, between them, time caring for children during the calendar year, and decision-making authority regarding certain categories of decisions. Only in extreme cases (e.g., one parent is absent, incarcerated, or radically “unfit”) is a parent granted “sole custody,” meaning 100% time and 100% decision-making.
If a court is tasked with deciding how to allocate parenting rights, judges generally must do so based on what is in “the best interests” of the child. Good luck asking the proverbial old judge in a robe to successfully figure out what is in your kids’ best interest. My advice: find a way to reach an agreement with the other parent of your kids as to what custody arrangement is in their interest.
Now that we’ve outlined how things go down in divorces with children, let’s ask the burning question: Why would the primary care-giving parent voluntarily relinquish more time with their children than they might like?
What is The Parenting Gift?
For the primary care-giving parent in a couple, The Big Move often is giving more parenting time. More parenting time than he or she would like to give.
Consider this: Primary care-giving parents who let go of their fear, and voluntarily give the other parent substantial parenting rights, often report profound results. Divorce thrusts many non-primary parents into a new position of caring for kids on a daily basis, and they step up and find a new kind of connection with their children.
It’s important to acknowledge that it may be a different kind of parenting that goes on at the other’s house. The other parent may be a harsher disciplinarian. Each parent may have a different view of what movies are appropriate. Child experts may even agree that your co-parent’s style of parenting isn’t quite as well-developed as yours. But child experts also agree that kids thrive under the care of both parents, and courts tend to rank this factor much higher than differing opinions about what equates to too many video games, or which form of discipline is better.
In some cases, the primary care-giving parent develops the fear that the other parent is using the children as pawns, as leverage in the divorce negotiation. This does sometimes occur. But as stated previously, “sole custody” is rarely granted, so a threat to seek full custody is usually nothing more than an emotional outburst, as opposed to a true statement of a legal position. I encourage the primary care-giving parent, in general, to be suspicious of any internal dialogue to the effect that your co-parent is seeking 50/50 custody to hurt you. And even if you really believe that they are seeking equal time merely to reduce their child support obligation, act skeptical of this belief.
Parents who don’t want kids don’t fight for them; they just leave. Absent significant mental illness, your co-parent doesn’t have significant incentive to pursue a program of seeking more custody merely to hurt you. And those who don’t want to pay any child support probably aren’t going to fight hard to be an equal parent; they just skip out on the payments, or pay just enough to avoid provoking you to mount troublesome (and often expensive) enforcement litigation.
The truth is that most non-primary parents are scared at the thought of being a single-parent half the time. If they are seeking equal time, touch in to your heart and see if you can find a deep trust that they are up to the task of becoming a parent in a whole new way. They are probably not even consciously aware that their soul is seeking to step into a challenging and unfamiliar role. The gift of trust you can give can be a pivotal moment in their journey as a hands-on parent.
And the extra benefit for giving into equal time parenting time? How about a chance to develop new interests, new relationships, engage in deeper self-care, or get a few more hours of sleep here and there?
2. The Money Gift
When Katie and I first started dating, I was already in the process of separating from my first wife, Jessica. Katie observed me helping with Jessica’s first month’s rent and security deposit, and other expenses associated with a move to a new city. She watched me give Jessica our primary car, and open my wallet to the tune of around $1,700 in engine repairs to make sure it was in good shape, while I took the beater, hand-me-down vehicle.
Seeing how I treated my now ex-wife with care and respect left a deep impression on Katie, which she still recounts more than fourteen years later. Watching her own parents divorce was so different; it was healing for Katie just to bear witness to a relatively loving separation.
Was I enthusiastic to shell out thousands to the woman I was divorcing? Not quite. I actually thought Katie and other friends would see me as a patsy. But I wasn’t willingly supporting Jessica for brownie points. I was helping her relocate and settle into her new life, because it was kind and felt right. I had resources available, while she was just starting out in a new city and a new career. In all honesty, Jessica’s parents probably could have helped her, or she could have taken on debt. But neither of those scenarios was really appropriate nor felt right to me.
My divorce wasn’t effortless. But it wasn’t as damaging as it could have been, had we actually fought each other over things. Had Jessica gotten a judge to order me to pay spousal support (or “alimony,” as the IRS calls it), I would have gritted my teeth with every payment. I would have been in good company because, statistically, people are much less satisfied when court orders are imposed by a judge, compared to legal agreements they enter into voluntarily.
Does it feel impossible to willingly sign up to make large monthly payments to your ex-spouse? I get it. Stay with me. But before moving on, let’s get a little more familiar with the law concerning alimony.
A Primer on Alimony
Many people are understandably shocked when they learn that the law may obligate them to help support their lower-earning ex-spouse for some period of time (even years). Why would they have an ongoing financial obligation to the person they are divorcing?
The general theory behind alimony (also frequently referred to as “maintenance” or “spousal support”) is that a marriage is akin to a business partnership. Unless the spouses entered into a special marriage contract like a prenuptial agreement, the law operates as if married people have shared their resources. It views a marriage as an arrangement where spouses have explicitly or tacitly agreed to make jointly beneficial investments of money, energy, or time during the marriage. It assumes that both spouses have shared the benefits and liabilities associated with property and debts acquired during the marriage, and have invested in some way together in the family’s future. Often, one spouse ends up leaving a career for some period of time in order to actively raise children. Sometimes spouses invest heavily together in just one spouse’s business or pursuit of an advanced degree. This kind of investment can be both tangible (i.e., money) or intangible (one spouse does all the laundry and cooking while the other one studies all night).
As a matter of public policy, when a marriage ends, if one spouse can’t meet his or her reasonable needs through reasonably available or appropriate employment, the courts look to the marriage (essentially, the other spouse), to help the lower-earning spouse avoid having to subsist on government aid. Even in cases where no one needs government subsidy, it is considered fair that the marriage help the lower-earning spouse to continue, at least for some time, to maintain a standard of living enjoyed by the spouses during the marriage. If the couple historically vacationed on an island each year, that cost will be considered a “reasonable” expense for each of them.
In many cases the spouse who is earning the steady income, or who built the thriving business, or who obtained the advanced degree, will be court-ordered to make monthly payments for some time. Around half of states in the U.S. have a formula to help judges determine an appropriate amount for payments (for example, the amount needed to bring one spouse up to receiving 40% of the combined gross income of both spouses), and for how long a period of time (for example, the number of years equal to half the length of the marriage). In other states, judges are likely to at least consider such a formula. I call these formulas a “one-size-fits-all” approach.
Of course, one size does not fit all. And even if a judge has plenty of time and data, which is basically never, good luck asking him or her to determine an alimony order that perfectly fits both spouses’ circumstances and life goals. My advice: if you are the higher-earning spouse, find a way to reach an agreement with the lower-earning spouse as to an alimony arrangement that feels okay to both of you. This will feel better than having a judge decide for you.
What is The Money Gift?
For the primary or sole earner in a couple, The Big Move often is giving more money. More money than you would like to give. Maybe even more money than the court might order.
Consider this: How would your ex-spouse respond if you were to offer them more than the guideline formula recommends for alimony? How would they react if offered more than 50% of the marital assets? Would this premium buy you some goodwill and harmony with this person who has been (and probably will continue to be) a family member? Would it buy you the feeling that you’ve done not just the right thing, but a heroic thing?
I can imagine what might be going on in your head right now. I’m going to get taken advantage of. I’m getting fleeced.
Try not to let these stories derail you from making the heroic money move. The heroic money move is far cheaper than litigation. Even if you get away with paying the least amount possible, the heroic money move might be significantly cheaper than dealing with the petty arguments that you will face over time from a bitter spouse, such as alimony modification, child support modification, reconciling child expenses, or modifying parenting plans or other ongoing legal arrangements. These kinds of fights will probably require assistance from expensive professionals such as lawyers, mediators, arbitrators, and accountants, as well as additional court fees.
Making the heroic money move is a symbolic gesture that acknowledges: Hey, you were the most important person in my life, and as we close the chapter on our intimate partnership I’m going to give beyond what I’m legally obligated to give. Like a ritual closing ceremony, mirroring the wedding at the beginning of the marriage, sending the lesser-earning spouse away with a token of gratitude befitting the occasion, is truly a heroic act. The token at the beginning is the wedding ring. The token at the end is a severance payment -- something with symbolic AND utilitarian, practical value, helping your ex to start their new life without feeling unduly pinched around finances.
(While you’re at it, consider actually hosting a ritual closing ceremony. Some people call it a Gniddew -- “wedding” spelled backwards. This doesn’t have to be as elaborate as your opening ceremony. Maybe it’s just a few minutes of silence and simple words between the two of you. But a little attention to closure goes a long way. It took me 10 years after my divorce to reach out with a simple note of gratitude to my ex-wife. This act brought closure and healing I didn’t know I needed, and dissolved a little bit of armor around my heart that I didn’t know was there.)
To sum up, typically The Big Move is some form of Giving. In my practice, it’s common that I’m pushing the primary care-giving parent to give more parenting rights than they would like, and the primary income earner to consider giving more money than they would like. That’s not the case for all couples, and your situation may be different. But regardless, look for the Big Move you can make: What can you give? Physical support? Words of gratitude? Other acts of kindness? The family dog (even though, darn, you love that pooch...)?
Whatever you identify as being an important thing to address in your breakup, logistically or symbolically, figure out how you can Give more in that context. Then make The Big Move and give.
And if you are receiving, do it gracefully. The act of giving and receiving of gifts can help accelerate a healing process for both of you.
Some Final Words On Moving On After Divorce
One of my favorite parables is that of the two wolves, attributed to the Cherokee people. In the story, an old man explains to his grandson that he has witnessed in his people an ongoing, inner conflict between two wolves: a Death Wolf full of anger, envy, greed, self-pity, guilt, arrogance, and self doubt; and a Life Wolf full of peace, acceptance, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, empathy, generosity, compassion, truth, and faith. This conflict occurs inside every person.
The grandson asks, “Which wolf wins?” The grandfather replies, “The one you feed.”
Many couples are clear that they want to feed the Life Wolf, but they often need help to get aligned together and to act in accordance with that intention. Sometimes, with the prodding of a coach or couples mediator, these people learn how to feed the Life Wolf on a regular basis, and start to forge an extraordinary relationship as friends and/or co-parents.
When it comes time to divorce, the choice of which wolf to feed can be relentlessly present. Fear and anger are common and natural reactions to being faced with radical change and uncertainty. Each partner might blame the other for myriad failings, or they become defensive and guarded because they are scared of what their partner might do as the relationship transitions legally. What experience and extensive research tells us, however, is that when people’s choices during divorce are primarily and consistently driven by fear and anger, the outcomes—be they financial, emotional, health, or children’s well being—are consistently and predictably negative.
On the other hand, people who are able to stay grounded in their future-oriented desire to produce a healthy long term outcome for themselves and their children do remarkably better.
Sadly, for many people facing divorce the first call they make is to a lawyer who is all too ready to feed the Death Wolf as it serves their financial interest. Faced with a menacing adversary, the other partner then feels forced to feed the Death Wolf in himself or herself. The war that ensues is bloody and terrible. Without fail, children and parents of such divorces suffer badly; far more than those in families who divorce consciously.
A big part of my life mission is to find as many ways as possible to support people to feed the Life Wolf even during the scary and profoundly challenging context of divorce or legal separation. Even when your instinct is to clutch to your possessions, to protect your children from uncertainty, or to raise a wall to ensure your former partner cannot hurt you. If there is a voice deep inside you that knows the future of your family will be better if you feed the Life Wolf, listen to the truth of that voice, and act accordingly. A conscious mediator will listen for the truth of that voice as well, and consider the emotional toll a divorce takes and guide you gently through the process so as to heal as you go. As an independent professional, my priority is to make sure you are not compromising your or your children's ultimate best interests.
A common refrain is that people have to respond to force with force when one partner is committed to war. No doubt, aggressive tactics by one spouse’s lawyer must be met powerfully and effectively, to minimize harm. But what we see is that spouses who can keep feeding the Life Wolf even when faced with aggression from their partner (and his or her lawyer) can often reduce the cost and damage of their divorce.
Taking the high road doesn’t mean giving in. It means staying motivated by the future health of your family, rather than by fear and resentment.
I am proud to be co-founder of a law firm that works with people to recognize and commit to acting in a way that will nourish the Life Wolf, and to help navigate a legal and practical path forward that avoids feeding the Death Wolf whenever possible.
The Divorce Directives offered in this article are simply meant to help keep you grounded and focused on Life. This is the foundation for healing. I hope this article helps you and your spouse navigate the common life transition of divorce without unnecessary wounding, and helps you actually heal as you go through the process.
John Hoelle is Co-Founder of Conscious Family™ Law & Mediation, offering collaborative divorce mediation, or legal representation with strength and integrity, in metro Denver/Boulder, Colorado.
Illustrations by Evelyn Pentikis
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(i) Family Law Mediation: A Response to the Rising Pro Se Tide (Jan. 4, 2019); https://familylawyermagazine.com/articles/family-law-mediation-a-response-to-the-rising-pro-se-tide/